Hello, I know it has been a very long time since I have written anything in this blog. If it makes a difference I have written so many updates to you all in my head that just never made it on to the screen. I wanted to tell you happy things like how much I love being back at work in my job or how amazing my sister Katie’s wedding was or about the two half marathons I have run since my original cancer diagnosis.
Most recently, I wanted to update everyone on my new year. How when looking back on 2018, although it was my most challenging year yet it was also my most FULL year. While there was so much fear and pain there was also so much joy and love. I felt connected to my family and friends in a way I never have before. Cancer made me experience love in it’s deepest form and I am grateful for that. I learned to embrace fear and lean into discomfort in ways that have strengthened my spirit and faith.
A few weeks ago I was having a conversation with my supervisor at work (who I love) and she was asking me if having cancer has changed me at all. I thought about it for a few moments and told her that I wasn’t sure it had. I told her that at 28 years old I had already done a lot of hard and painful work accepting myself, loving myself, and working on myself so that when cancer hit I didn’t let it break me. I was already forgetting the way it taught me how to hold fear and hope at the same time. I was forgetting the way it felt to be in a spiritual bond with your loved ones and God. The way that you could feel like shattering but know you’ll be able to put the pieces back together somehow. I forgot what it felt like that the worst can happen but if you have strong love everything will always be okay.
This past Friday January 4th 2019, I had my routine three month MRI and chest scan at John Hopkins. I remember ruminating about how high my weight had crept up over the holidays (because they weigh you like 5 times at these appointments) when the doctor caught me off guard telling me something new had shown up in MRI. My weight never seemed so insignificant. I immediately felt a pit in my stomach. The doctor told me that there was a very small enhancement of 5 mm (a pin drop) on the deep margin of my tumor bed. She told me not to worry because there’s a chance it could just be scar tissue but we’d need a new MRI in a 4-6 weeks to determine if it was a new tumor. She said “we are not throwing the red flags up yet”. I remember thinking that was bullshit because my psychological transition back into fighter mode had already begun. It started with the tears that began to fall on the elevator down and out of the building and grew with the remembrance of everything I have learned so far.
Let me pause here for a moment because I know this is big news and so many people reading this know and love me. I hesitated to write and share this because I did not want to throw everyone back into fear too soon but my need to write and to feel connected to you all again won out. This may turn out to be just a little scar tissue scare or I may be jumping back into the ring for another battle but I want my army by my side either way.
This Friday I began to remember everything my cancer journey has taught me so far and I will be okay ❤